A Girl’s Guide to College Athletes

This guest post is from one of our interns who chose not to be named.

They’re hot, they’re athletic, and they throw really amazing parties.

Yet, there’s always that fear of being played, or those rumors that they’ll just use a woman like a tissue and move on to the next.

With a little in depth analysis you can learn to navigate the college athlete boy scene just like the pro these D1 players hope one day to become.

Lacrosse Players: 

If you’re on the East Coast, you know lacrosse players. If you’re in California, you know a tamer, more stoned, longer-haired lax-bro.

They can be really sweet even if their personality and attitude is brazen, and you know they’re practical and have actual career goals because major league lacrosse pays about as much as being a TA. So they have to be just playing this sport because they love it, or because they’re rich, because seriously, poor people do not play lacrosse.

Basketball Players: 
At D1 schools, they’re tall and intimidating. They have swag and they know it. You can recognize a basketball player by his treelike height and refusal to wear pants or take off his snap-back hats.

Like, do they even wash those outfits? Or do they get even cooler as they get dirtier. Basketball players with career aspirations in the sport are cocky jerks, but if you’re willing to go for that, that’s fine, just consider yourself warned.

Club or D3 basketball players on the other hand, tend to be pretty chill, and if you can get involved in an intramural team at your school, that can be pretty fun and you can meet some more down-to-earth basketball players.

Baseball Players: 
They tend to throw great parties and are sexy as hell. Think amazing upper bodies, tight white pants, and a just all around great build. The only drawback about dating a baseball player is that as a girlfriend you are expected to show up and be “supportive” at games, which can be long and boring and slow.

You don’t see Twitter and Facebook blowing up on “World Series Sunday,” do you? Baseball is America’s favorite pastime for a reason: we go to games to socialize and eat hot dogs with chili on them, and that’s basically it.

The players are fine and we do it for the players, not for the game.

Soccer Players: 

Soccer men are great if you like them tall, lean, and pretty. I know what you’re thinking: “look at David Beckham! He’s sooo ripped and manly and rugged and gorgeous! How can you call soccer players pretty boys?”

Well, honey, my answer to you is that our dear “Golden Balls” is the exception, not the rule. If you want a more stereotypically looking soccer playing, check out my friend Cristiano Ronaldo. He’s gorgeous, but I’d store my lip gloss under lock and key when going out with him.

At the college level, soccer is a great place to find an international man if that’s what you’re into (and it should be; have you heard their accents?) And the soccer crowd tends to be more down to earth because they don’t haze their new players and consider their sport more of a passion than a fraternity.

Unlike football, lacrosse, and water polo players, they don’t stick together like the brown Japanese rice that’s served in our cafeteria, so they’re much easier to talk to one on one, and they can also be really funny.

If you’re not down to date one or metro isn’t your type, at least take one on as a friend, and you won’t regret it.

Tennis Players: 

They have the build of a soccer player, but unlike most sports that are popular in college, tennis is an individual endeavor, making these players men who are used to being alone and not having a brotherhood of support.

Thus, tennis men are harder to read, easier to get to know, and harder to meet because they’re not throwing parties all the time. Try going down to the courts with a couple friends to practice and see if you run in to some, or get to know the people on your floor and see if you can meet a tennis player through some mutual friends.

Like almost every male in college, they won’t be interested in anything serious freshman year, but I can assure you that as far as gentlemanliness goes, they’re towards the top of the list.

Hockey Players: 
These men are sexy, funny, and incredibly dedicated to their sport. They’re cocky and the closer you get to the east coast, the less modest they become.

However, dating a hockey player will induct you into an almost secret sisterhood with other hockey girlfriends that will make sure you understand the game and have women to carpool with to events because there’s usually no ice arena on campus. Hockey boys are great as long as you can make them shave their beards during playoff season and have a thing for Canadian accents.

Football Players: 

I saved this one for last because football is America’s sport. The college football player has been stereotyped into so many forms, but every stereotype is based on a kernel of truth. If you’re at a D3 or club school, your football players are hot and they know it, but they don’t feel the same sort of entitlement as D1 men who think they have professional futures do. Football personalities also tend to vary by position, which is why I’ve taken the liberty of breaking them down into the most basic of categories. Here’s where it really gets interesting:

  • Linemen: thugs, ‘nuff said. If you like huge shoulders and pecs, uh, go for it, but they’re meatheads that probably aren’t looking for a serious girlfriend.
  • Offensive line: really sweet guys actually. They’re worth talking to.
  • Receivers: Iffy. Receivers might come off as shy, but start talking to them, and you’ll find they’re just as conceited as the rest. If they’re good, or your school is good, or they’re valuable and they know it, you might want to hold out on them hookup-wise, or risk being another notch on the pigskin, but if you can pass the relationship potential test, they are rumored to be amazing boyfriends.
  • Quarterback: Darlings, I’m going to say this one time, and one time only: Hooking up with the quarterback is not an accomplishment. Anywhere. No matter what. You were chosen because you were in sight and he wanted some. That is all. It does not make you the best cheerleader on the team, the hottest girl in the freshman class, or the girl most likely to get invited to the football formal. It makes you a piece of ass. Stay away, and respect yourself. Talking to him is totally fine, just don’t give it all up at once if you want to be taken seriously.
  • Kicker: See Soccer because they tend to overlap. The kicker’s personality is in the realm of extremes: he’s either a nice guy or a total asshole. Test the waters before you jump in.

To sum it up, college athletes are hot and can be great for having a good time, but they’re also the capital of Heartbreakville, population you (was that a Bachelor reference? I don’t even know). Trust your instincts, respect yourself, and try not to get hurt because the athletic training room can’t do anything for a bruised reputation.

On that note, remember one last thing: (tennis players aside) he will spill every detail of your relationship to his teammates because his loyalty lies with them. You have been forewarned.

Have fun! And don’t leave at halftime, or everyone will know you don’t actually like sports and you’ll miss the amazing comeback in the last 5 seconds of the game.

PS: I didn’t include water polo because it’s basically lacrosse in a pool with way less padding and way more manscaping.

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9 thoughts on “A Girl’s Guide to College Athletes

  1. You're an embarrassment to your school an your sorority. Also since you are a freshmen and attend a D3 school, how do you know anything about this?

  2. what are you calling superficial? lot of the above is positive, like on lax, soccer, and football players. you must be a bball playing cocky jerk

  3. This is stereotyped, sexist and superficial. I am a D1 female athlete who knows a lot of athletes on every team at my school, and this has no ounce of truth in it. If it's just meant to be a funny article about stereotypes, fine, it's a bit offensive, but take it or leave it; if not, shame on you. Nobody should listen to this.

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