Sylvia: My Favorite Sloppy Bitch

12 February 2012

Meet Sylvia. Sylvia’s had a long week and like most of us on a Friday night she is dying to go out.

However, Sylvia has been out of the game for awhile, and has forgotten a few of the key rules when it comes to keeping your dignity (or at least most of it) while you’re out. Hopefully her story will help others avoid the embarrassing (and arguably dangerous) mistakes she made on her Epic Night Out.

First, Sylvia went off with the expectation that her group of friends would match her in her drinking, and that any crazy activities she would do would at least be done as a group. This is a good strategy, but sadly her friends suffered from “Responsibilities” the next day and would be taking things easy that night. Sylvia, not realizing (or perhaps ignoring) this, plows on with her evening.

Actually what Google considers
a Sloppy Bitch

She and her group go to a house where she assumes the only people she will know are the friends (henceforth the “possy”) she arrived with. Sadly, Sylvia has forgotten that she attends a medium sized school in a rather small state with a large portion of the local population, and inevitably sees people from her past that, if given the choice, she would avoid at any setting with food, alcohol, and racy dance lyrics. She comes to a belief that the only way to relieve her felt tension is to engage in a few, small, sporadic drinks of…whatever. This is her first Big Mistake because

  • You should always know what you’re drinking at a party.
  • If you don’t, you should avoid filling an entire cup with whatever it is and downing it in two gulps, like some people.
  • Also avoid repeating that above step.

A few cups of Whatever later, Sylvia starts to feel better about herself and her night. This is just fine, but when she drinks more to increase her feelings of contentment, her possy stops drinking because of their aforementioned “Responsibilities”. At this point, Sylvia has long forgotten what such words mean, and so continues her quest for Night Conquerage. This is where the sloppy bitch behavior begins, for example:

  • losing your coat
  • yelling/crying obnoxiously about the loss of said coat
  • encouraging others on your quest to find coat
  • at most dire point in ordeal, find coat in exact place where you left it
  • everyone will laugh, but really they hate you on the inside

Soon later, Sylvia vaguely remembers making her next Sloppy Bitch mistake: letting the influx of alcohol turn her into an angry version of herself that seems fascinated with curse words. This cursing diva was more than happy to share her new passion with everyone else at the party, especially complete strangers. After this, the possy decides its best to cut off Sylvia and distract her with picture taking.

Major Sloppy Bitch Tip: Avoid Pictures

There’s no need for a picture of you with your sagging face and messed up skirt to end up on Facebook so you will look bad in all of the sad ways. Run, duck, hide; just do whatever necessary to avoid that permanent online recording.

From this point, Sylvia’s experience goes progressively downhill and holds everything we’ve come to love about our SB’s:

1)  Ignoring Well Meaning Friends

This is really the most fatal mistake an SB can make. Sylvia thought she was invincible that night and disregarded the advice of her watchful sober (more sober anyway) friend. If she had, she would have steered clear of embarrassments such as…

2)  Talking to Sober People

When the party decided to go to IHOP, Sylvia naturally ran into people from high school and started asking them about their lives…actually, the only thing she remembers about that moment is the smirks and raised eyebrows she received from them when leaving the restaurant. That should have been a sign.

3)  Barefoot Walk of Shame

If you leave with heels, you walk back with heels. That look where you’re stumbling home with your 4 inch heels in your hand while your face is contorted to hide the pain of your bare feet hitting the pavement is neither something people want to see nor something you should put yourself through.

Michelle Obama makes for a
good spokesperson, not you
on your drunken night

4)  Public Displays of Attention

For some reason, SB’s like Sylvia always seem to think they need to be the spokesperson for the entire group. Yelling, screaming, screeching, and crying hysterically to all who are unfortunately close to them are the common acts that designate SB behavior and mean it is really time for bed.

5)  The Crazy, Stupid Act

But of course, whose trying to go to bed at a time like this? Sylvia certainly wasn’t. When her friends drove her to her dorm to drop her off, not only did she not want to go, but she also refused to leave the car.

Eventually, they tossed her phone out of the door as bait, but she quickly grabbed it and somehow jumped on the back of the moving car while texting another friend. After a bit of swerving they managed to shake her off, toss her on the ground, and (supposedly) after checking she was moving, drove away.

Sylvia ended up on the pavement outside of her dorm sometime around 4 am, shoes in one hand and silent phone in the other.

Eventually she would drag herself up and fall into her dorm room, but the stories of the night were doomed to have a “Hey, remember when Sylvia…?” start from then on. Sloppy B’s be warned, there are people watching and more importantly tweeting every thing you say and do, so unless you like to be a spectacle for others be sure to take charge of your decisions and not let the night run you over.

For more honest goodness, check out these articles:
Hangover Chemistry
HC Top 10s: Things to Avoid

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