Freshmen’s Guide to the College Hookup

The first few weeks of college can frankly be quite terrifying.

There’s so many new hot members of the opposite sex, your senses are on edge and the possibilities seem endless.

Like some other optimistic girls my age, I had a long distance, long term boyfriend when I started Freshman year, which left me unable to participate in the bevy of scandalous hookups that were happening around me.

I was privilege to all the aftermath though, and I’m here to impart upon you some wisdom based on others’ mistakes.

1. Know what girls want.

If you’re a guy that doesn’t like dealing with drama or tears, don’t hook up with a girl you know if you don’t see your relationship going any further than that. Usually, girls do not take kindly to being used this way, even if they totally wanted it at the time, and they will not talk to you again.

2. Know what guys want.

On the flip side, ladies, look around you. The gentlemen you see are blissfully anticipating four years of consequence free sex, and of course they are about to be sorely disappointed. That being said, if you are looking forward to starting a relationship with him during this first year of higher education, you will be to.

3. You don’t owe him anything.

This applies to guys as well, but I haven’t seen it being a problem for them ever, so I’m addressing the girls again. You. Don’t. Owe. Him. Shit. Blue balls are a mythical invention designed as yet another ploy to let him stick it in. Don’t fall for that. And even if this is a medically proven condition, there are… other solutions he can use to take care of himself. I don’t care how far you’ve gone or where you are. If you want to stop, stop. Don’t feel guilty and don’t do anything you don’t want to. I don’t like seeing women with regrets.

4. Use protection.

I can hear you rolling your eyes, but I am serious! It can be tempting to disregard this advice in the heat of the moment, but just remember: HIV is forever. Also, getting pregnant can be severely detrimental to your life plan, unless your life plan includes having a baby at eighteen.

5. Work your magic.

I’m all about knowing what you want. If you’re the kind of person that is looking for something more serious than a one night stand, step your game up. Girls, try giving him a little something to look forward to. Don’t go all the way, let him see your personality, or do whatever it is you do that drives guys wild.

Fortunately, some guys are like this.
Unfortunately, they are not Ryan Gosling.

Boys, this advice works for you too. If you want to see her again, let her know! Try being a gentleman. I know chivalry might seem dead, but a little manners can go a long way, especially in college where simply opening doors or paying for her on a date (even taking her on a date, period) will make you look like Prince Charming compared to the other drunken apes running around campus.

What I want you to take away from all of this, men and women of the Freshman class, is that confidence is sexy. It will get you what you want, it will make people like you, and if you have high standards, you might be surprised at the people that rise to meet them.

If you really do just wanna have fun, that’s fine too, just play it safe and be polite to your partners, past and present. It’ll make you look that much better.

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2 thoughts on “Freshmen’s Guide to the College Hookup

  1. >"Blue balls are a mythical invention designed as yet another ploy to let him stick it in"

    Blue ball is not at all made up, so please do not toy with the fragile psyche of a freshman male thinking otherwise. That's just cruel.

  2. "And even if this is a medically proven condition, there are… other solutions he can use to take care of himself."

    In other words, go fap into a toilet or something.

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