|Strategy is key here|
January 7 2011
From your very first day in the work place, you will realize that office shits are among the most under-scrutinized, least-talked-about aspects of life in the real world.
While it is understandable to feel awkward and hesitant about the prospect of unloading last night’s crappy Chinese food next to your colleagues or boss, the practice is unavoidable and best met with strategic assertiveness rather than timidity.
Embrace office shitting as way to structure your day, and use it to establish a comfortable routine in your new environment. Sadly, it may prove to be the highlight of your day…
Believe it or not, routine office defecation can contribute to your overall quality of life, mostly because it prevents you from having to shit in your probably not-so-nice apartment. Let’s face it: the facilities at your office are likely to be much cleaner and more reliable than those in your cramped and dingy abode. Plus, you don’t have to worry about perpetually clogged toilets or running out of toilet paper. And if you do clog the work toilet…well, doesn’t somebody else get paid to take care of that?
Shitting at work is a little bit like driving – volume and timing determine whether or not it’s convenient. The main rush hour in the office bathroom is 9:30 to 10:30 AM, for one simple reason: coffee. We all know that stimulants thrust your digestive system into high gear, and the result can be a major office logjam. Depending on your office, quieter times include lunchtime and the late afternoon/early evening slot between 5:00 and 7:00. By that time the post-lunch crowd will have come and gone and the office will begin to unload for the night.
That brings me to the Rule of 1/3rd. If 1/3rd or more of the stalls are currently occupied, turn around and come back in 10 minutes. Especially if your office has shabby ventilation. You never want to find yourself sandwiched in between the overweight IT guy dropping bombs to your left and the sketchy dude from accounting slaughtering the stall to your right. Plus, you’re not going to make too many friends if you walk around smelling like other peoples’ shit.
As you become more accustomed to your work environment, you may pick up on additional factors that contribute to a pleasant scatological experience. For example, pay attention to the cleaning crew’s work schedule. In many office buildings—especially the nicer ones—the cleaners will make at least one stop through your bathroom during the workday. For obvious hygienic reasons, try to schedule your visit soon after their clean-up to enjoy a squeaky clean afternoon.
I’ll finish with a few additional bathroom “Don’ts” for you to consider as you begin your journey into the this volatile new world:
Don’t forget to courtesy flush—your fellow workers will appreciate this and it will also prevent post-shit fumes from following you back to your desk.
Don’t plug the gap between door and your stall with toilet paper so that others can’t peak in. That is unnecessary and extremely weird. In fact, it’s so weird that if you even consider doing this, your employer should question whether or not you should be working at all. The only time this would be reasonable is if you think there were bathroom creeper amidst your colleagues, in which case you should go straight to HR.
If you line your toilet with toilet paper—not an unreasonable tactic when using any communal restroom—don’t leave the soiled remains there for the next person to dispose of. This is clearly inconsiderate. File that under conduct detrimental to the team.
That’s all for now folks—happy shitting.
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